He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
