Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Randomize
