I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
