You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
