you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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