That's when you crack a 10am beer
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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