omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
