I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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