I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
