Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
