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Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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