she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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