Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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