"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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