tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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