I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
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