I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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