I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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