your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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