Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
