I want to walk on stilts...naked
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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