He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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