I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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