I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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