Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
