Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
