he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
