All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
