I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
