I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
...so i touched it.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
