I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
