Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
