So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
