the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize