There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
