Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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