good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
