Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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