i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize