My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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