mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
