i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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