I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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