I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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