I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
