Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
