You're completely useless in the revolution.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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