what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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