I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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