When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Randomize
