Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize