one two three fourrrrnication!
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
