What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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