Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Randomize
