Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
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