I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
