what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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