There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
