I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
