why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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