If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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