My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize