C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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