fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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