Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
