i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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